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Friday, April 30, 2010

I Spit On Your Fright Night Of A Howling American Werewolf Has Nards Remake

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I know, that's a pretty long title for a post. Initially I wanted to try to work something in for all of the remakes that are coming out but there are just too damn many. With A Nightmare On Elm Street being unleashed into theaters today, I wanted to give our readers a rundown of other remakes you can expect plus a small portion of my thoughts on each. These films are either already made, being filmed, or are in development.

1. An American Werewolf In London- Dimension Films will be developing a remake of the classic 1981 werewolf tale but as of press time, that's all the info I have. I understand on a studio wanting to capitalize on the best werewolf movie since The Wolfman but I just can't see them recapturing the magic that made the original so special. John Landis is brilliant and I just don't see kids today understanding the humor that was infused within the film. Plus, they tried to make a sequel and it sucked, terribly.

2. The Birds- Platinum Dunes(Michael I Like To Blow Shit Up Bay) has been trying to get this project off the ground since 2007 and it looks like it might finally get a release in 2011. We should know after Psycho that remakes of Hitchcock's work should be illegal.

3. Childs Play- This one can actually work. This movie is being made by the creators of the first film, writer Don Mancini and producer David Kirschner. I like the original film, but lets be honest, a classic horror film it wasn't.

4. Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark- Yes, one of the best made-for-TV horror films EVER is getting remade for the big screen. Katie Holmes is set to star. Why!!?? The only aspect of this film that gives me hope is Guillermo del Toro is producing and co-writing the script. Expect a 2011 release.

5. The Fly- This one is pretty interesting. It will be a remake of a remake, but that's not the best part. David Cronenberg, who did the awesome remake in 1986, will be doing this remake which will be a remake of his remake. Confused?

6. Fright Night- I have to go drink a beer now.

7. The Gate- Alex Winter (Bill from Bill And Teds Excellent Adventure) is to be the director of this remake. Two pieces of good news. First, Keanu Reeves has not been spotted anywhere near this film and H.R. Giger designed the creatures. That's about it though.

8. The Host- The brilliant Korean monster movie will be remade and directed by Fredrik(This is my directorial debut) Bond. For some reason I just keep seeing flashes of Godzilla Vs Megalon in my head.

9. The Howling- This one has been dubbed a "reboot" and will be more youth oriented. You know, I think some Hollywood executive just woke up one morning with a vendetta against werewolf movies.

10. I Spit On Your Grave- This one just pisses me off. Why remake a perfect movie? And really, how can they possibly think it will be on par with the original in today's politically correct obsessed society. I'm pretty sure it will be toned WAY down.

11. IT- NOTHING can top the stellar cast and their performance in the original TV mini-series. Is Stephen King hard up for money. I would rather pay him to not sign off on it.

12. Let The Right One In- I loved this movie and thought it to be one of the best vampire films of all time. But of course, it has to be remade for a wide US audience. The strange thing is the people attached to the film. Hammer Films, yes, THE Hammer Films is the entity overseeing production with Matt Reeves (Cloverfield) directing and Chloƫ Grace Moretz (Hit Girl from Kick Ass) as Abby. My interest in this has escalated.

13. Martyrs- The French and The Swedish have been besting us in horror for quite sometime now so I guess besides remaking our classics, Hollywood figured their ideas needed "The Treatment" as well. That sounds so dirty, I am gonna take a shower.

14. The Monster Squad- Platinum Dunes will be torturing this remake as well. I wanted the rights to go back to Fred Dekker so he could make the sequel he had always planned. All of us know that this will be horrible and fail. Nobody had ever even think about touching Night Of The Creeps. I need another drink.

So what have we learned kids? We learned that Hollywood cannot come up with an original idea and that Michael Bay must be holding a grudge against Gen X'rs and 80's horror because he is on an unstoppable rampage bent on destroying our childhoods. The sad part is that this isn't even a complete list and you can expect part 2 from me soon with about the same number of films.